Following Florida State’s near loss to the Louisiana–Monroe Warhawks, FSU Coach Taggart has been spending his time crafting a formidable excuse for their inevitable future loss.
“I’ve said before that we’ve got to learn how to win. But we’ve gotta learn how to lose too. When you lose you’ve gotta have a good excuse.” explained Taggart.
“I talked about hydration after the Miami game and that our boys have got to hydrate better leading up to the game. I feel like this was turned into a sound-bite and taken out of context.”
“People made it sound like we weren’t giving our players Powerade on the sidelines. We were. And it was the good stuff, Blue Powerade, not those other garbage flavors no one wants.”
Taggart soon introduced a new plan, including a new corporate partnership between Florida State University and a well-known national buffet chain.
“To make our next excuse clearer we’re announcing a new partnership. I think everyone will be real happy with it.”
“Our next excuse will be ‘The boys just ain’t eatin’ enough.’ And how are we going to fix it? By going to Golden Corral. Have you seen the remodeled one on North Monroe? Very nice all-you-can-eat place and our players will be bused there multiple times a day.”
The introduction then turned to a brief discussion on eating strategy.
“Everybody saw how well Cam Akers carried the team in the ULM game. Well he’s going to be leading our team to victory at the buffet.”
“He knows that you hit the BBQ area early and that no players are to be near the frozen yogurt until end-of-meal. He’s got a great Golden Corral IQ… knows right where they hide the best seafood in the back corner of the buffet near the restrooms.”
Whether this excuse strategy will be a win within the larger realm of sports criticism has yet to be seen. But one thing’s for sure, the Golden Corral logo will be flying high over Doak Campbell Stadium this season.